You’re lucky to have me as your IT guy. I’m always on time, I charge a fair price, and I get the work done. I have a reputation that transcends mere competence and every time my hands grace the keyboard of that shitbox you’re running, it’s not too dissimilar to that of Jesus himself healing the curses of your technology.
So, in fairness and as a sign of respect, here are ten things you should know about our business relationship and the services I offer. Keep this list handy and follow it at all times.
1) I do computers, not interior decorating.
Don’t ask me to help you move furniture. What the fuck? Did I drive up to your house in a huge white semi that says "Two Men and a Truck?" No, I did not. The only thing I’m going to move is my arm towards the cash you’re handing me after teaching your stupid ass how to use AOL.
2) This is what I charge. Fucking deal with it.
Stop bitching about how much I charge you. You called me, shithead. You’re paying a whole hell of a lot less than what you’d be billed by those cocksuckers at FuckSquad, Shitdog, Dicks on Call, and all the other companies that yank a Franklin from you just for the drive to your house.
3) I do like to sleep from time to time.
No more calling me at 1am, you disrespectful ass. I have hours of operation, too, and I’m not going to extend them so I can walk you through how to insert a CD into your computer for free. I’m all for fixing stuff, but if you can’t execute basic operations on things you own, don’t buy them. You’ve been using computers since Windows 95 and you still can’t figure out how to move files? Fucking kill yourself.
4) I don’t offer incompetence support.
Speaking of CDs, quit calling me and asking me where you last left your software. I don’t live in your house and I don’t work in your office. I don’t know where your copy of QuickBooks is and as an added bonus, I don’t give a shit, either.
5) Stop buying shitty computers.
You want to know why your computer runs like shit? Because you bought a piece of shit. You get what you pay for, you fat buffoon. Would you drive a $300 car? Fuck no. So why are you surprised your $300 computer takes 10 minutes to boot? I told you not to buy a Celeron, but you wanted to save a buck. Guess what, Mr. Smart Shopper? Now you get to spend all those savings on me.
6) Use a little ingenuity before you call me.
Yes, I’m going to charge you for coming to your house and fixing your printer by plugging it in. My time is valuable and if you’re going to waste it because you’re too ignorant to take 10 seconds to make sure your shit is plugged in, you’re going to be billed a "Fucking Moron Fee."
7) Fuck off with your referrals.
Please, spare me the "I’m-going-to-get-you-tons-of-work" shit. Almost every asshole I’ve worked with spoon feeds me this garbage and I’m lucky to get one referral for every 20 of you pinheads.
8) I hate animals.
Get your God damn pets away from me. I’m not here to pet your cat or be a saliva collector for your fucking dog. I’m here to work.
9) You have company over, so tend to them.
You’ve hired me to fix your technology. That means you need to hang up the phone and give me your undivided attention. I have questions and I’m going to need you to fire the three brain synapses poorly wired together in that thick skull of yours so you can attempt to give me an answer.
10) Free shit goes both ways, pal.
How come you don’t have Office? Because you didn’t buy it, you pretentious shit. Word isn’t free. You don’t get it with your computer. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll give you $800 worth of free software and in exchange, you get me a free $800 HDTV. Sound good? No? Then go fuck yourself.